What Are You Doing?!?
I think it should be noted in the official transcript of life that “I don’t know what I’m doing!” It’s funny that the older I get the more I questions my next move, the more I analyze my timing and the more I pray and pray and pray about the next decision that I will make. It’s not that I’m incapable of implementing a solution or lack the will-power and tenacity to move forward, it’s just that I don’t know what I’m doing.
Life moves very, very fast. I feel like I went from graduating high school to suddenly being a divorced single mom of almost grown kids who has fallen in love with a man that has the same amount of baggage that I do. There’s always alot going on.
To be fair, it’s not that I never know what I’m doing. If you ask me if I love my job, the answer is yes. If you ask me if I’m planning to continue to workout 3-4 times a week, the answer is yes. If you ask me where the best fast food restaurant is, the answer is clearly Taco Bell. There are things I’m sure about; things I know.
What I don’t know is how to be a parent to adult children. I don’t know how to be a good daughter of aging (slowly I might add) parents. I don’t know how to maintain a strong relationship with my brother. I don’t know how to be a girlfriend that isn’t so crazy. I don’t know how to depend on people who have let me down. I don’t know how to save money for a house. I don’t know how to open a bottle of wine and not drink it all. I don’t know how God wants to use me to bring His kingdom closer here on earth. I don’t know what I’m doing.
As I continue to explore who I am and how I can be the best that God has for me, I must remind myself that I don’t have to know what I’m doing because God knows what He’s doing. I was designed for a purpose…with a specific and unique plan, and as long as I continue to explore the specifications under which i was created, I will be led. I will learn to be the parent of adult children instead of immature and dependent kids. I will learn to be dependable to my parents instead of me always depending on them. I will learn to be a help mate who provides love and companionship instead of a girl who allows her fear and insecurities to control her emotions.
I will know what I’m doing because I believe in God who designed me for this life, for this year, for this month, for this day, for this moment. I won’t always get it right, but through grace I will be given another chance. I will know what I’m doing because I am loved and led by a Creator who knows me.