I belong to multiple gyms. It’s not that one gym isn’t enough for me, but I’ve become a bit of a gym snob over the years and want a little bit of everything. I want everything without paying the “everything” price. Is that so wrong? One gym I belong to has a pool, a suana, spinning classes, an indoor running track, basketball, raquetball and a special theater room that plays movies in the dark while you work out. BUT, it closes early, has restricted hours and isnt always easy to get to. The other gym is open 24/7, has all new equipment, everything has my favorite color purple, has bagels the first Tuesday of the month and pizza the first Monday of the month…and no scale. There is no scale at the gym.
I know that I need a scale. I need something to remind me that I’m on track or…woooaaaahhh….slow your roll. The scale has been my best friend and my worst enemy. But what it is…unapologetically honest. Now I know all the tricks of weigh yourself in the morning before you eat, don’t wear clothes, make sure you weigh yourself the same time everyday, but honestly…the scale doesn’t care. It just spits out truth. And today’s truth is that I need to get it together.
I need to remind myself to make all those choices that took me from 387 pounds to 111 pounds to a more reasonable 150 pounds. Today I’m not there. Not 387, not 111, not 150. I will be 150 pounds again, but today I’m not. I worry that people I work with will not find me as reliable because of my weight, that my children will think of me as a failure, and that my boyfriend will not be attracted to me. I worry about all those things, but mainly I worry that I just don’t measure up. That I have just failed. Today I just worry.
Maybe I have been living a facade. Maybe I have been pretending to masquarade as something beautiful and well adjusted and okay. But the scales of life say otherwise. They say I need love…compassion…support..less chardonnay…and a rice cake. Maybe today I just acknowledge that the weighty truth is…weight matters. It matters to me. It matters how I feel and how I view who I am.
Today I’m praying that I can find a balance. Something between eat everything and the laxative diet. Today I pray for all women who know that that number on the scale and how your jeans fit matter and yet it doesn’t determine your worth. Today I thank all those boyfriends and husbands who say I love you and want you no matter what, and the friends and colleagues who say that your worth is not determined by that number. Today, I pray that God gives me the strength and vision for something better. Today, I fall at the mercy of grace. Today, I acknowledge that I need to change. I need to transform. I’m a work in progress.