The Sleep Love Connection
I just returned home from vacation. A real true, never before experienced grown up vacation complete with swimming pools, Jamaican cocktails, and as it turns out an appreciation for the art-form of American indoor plumbing. I swam in pristine waters, drank bartender specials, and sat on a second story deck listening to live music watching the ocean waves crest on the shore. It was a wonderful week. It was peaceful, it was calm, it was…needed.
It was needed for none of the obvious reasons, although I will continue to argue that appreciation for properly working toilets is always a welcome insight, but needed because of the things I learned about my life while I was there. I have been a single mom for some time now. A divorced woman who has spent decades lounging for sleep and learning to accept that because I couldn’t, maybe I should use my hours of painful insomnia to become a better person. I’ve used many restless nights, cleaning and rearranging my house, making cookies for the people I work with, and reading enough self help books to determine that I may in fact be crazy enough to be considered possibly normal. After so many years, I began to consider my inability to sleep as an opportunity to get more done, and then something happened.
My life has begun to change. My wound tight, always chasing, pushing ferocious life has begun to settle. I have fallen in love with a wonderful man, and I’m working on feeling peaceful. Im working on it. Have you ever been on a moving walkway that’s moving really fast and then when you come to the end and first step off, the floor has stopped but your inclination is to continue to move. I’m working on peace. I’ve spent so many years powering through, that now that it’s right in front of me…I’m trying to convince my body to be still…to just breathe.
What I know for certain is that I can in fact sleep. For the first time, I can close my eyes and drift off, and I do…often. This week I was reminded that God created us to experience joy and contentment. He created us to feel peace. So often I find myself wanting to fight off the facts, convince myself that what I’m feeling and experiencing must not be real, and that at some point the bottom is going to fall out. So often there’s a voice in my head that says I’m not worthy or deserving of true peace and joy and love.
Today I’m trying to allow the waves of God’s gifts to wash over me. To be faithful about thanking God for all the blessings in my life, and to be cognizant and trusting that the gift of peace and love from this man is only possible through God’s grace and love for me. Today, I will close my eyes and remember the waves crashing into the shore and know that God is present, He is faithful, and He will provide me with the things I need. And this girl…she needs sleep.