Okay fine…I’m listening.
Okay, true confession. I have started to write today’s blog entry seven times today. It’s not that I don’t want to write, it’s that I’m trying to avoid writing about the things that are weighing on my heart. I’ve been trying to write about expectations and acceptance. No luck. Tried to write about being a mom with purpose. That’s not working either. Wrote for a while about following God’s lead in my life…much closer. And so here I am on the precipice of what I need to blog about, not wanting to give the emotions and feelings words. Once I say it…it’s real. It’s been read. There’s no denying the emotion or feeling once you give it a voice. Once it’s said it has power.
I’ve been trying so hard to be prayerful and mindful and listen to how God is speaking to my heart and soul. I’m looking for direction in my life. What should I be doing in school, what career should I be aiming for? What classes should I take next semester. A constant loop of prayerful questions, looping over and over again. Relentless looping. Show me…lead me…direct me.
Okay, I admit it, I should really be careful what I pray for. Sometimes when you open your heart and soul up to direction and answers from God, you get directions and answers. They just aren’t always the answers to the questions you were asking. In the loop of questions, I had the phrase “Show me…lead me…direct me.” While I admit that although I know it doesn’t work this way, a part of me still views God as some sort of Jeannie in a bottle. I ask a question, and PUFFFF!!!! I get an answer. Obviously the answer needs to be sought out and discovered, but ask a question…get an answer. Sort of like, Dear Santa… The weird thing is, once you open your heart and mind to the voice of God, He gets to talk to you about whatever He wants to talk to you about. I find myself saying things like, “I didn’t ask about that” or “I’m not ready to think about that.” I find myself fighting the Holy Spirit.
Seriously, what is wrong with me?!? Well, i know what it is. I have a firm rule about only asking questions you are ready to hear the answers to. So when God speaks to me about things I didn’t ask about, I find myself indignant and frankly a little upset. I want to tell Him to just stick to the format. Ask a question…get an answer. I want God to speak to me, but only about the parts of my life that I want to talk about. God is so funny, He doesn’t care what questions I’m asking. He is looking into my heart and saying, this is the answer you really need right now.
So today, I’m processing divine information. I’m trying to allow God to soothe my heart and soul and to trust that the answers He is giving me are the answers that I need to hear right now…today. I’m trying to let go of the fear, of the uncertainty, and the unrelinguishing reminders that God’s plan is perfect. Today I’m fighting the demon of feeling unworthy and accepting that Grace supersedes. Today, I’m breathing and trying to believe in a plan I can’t fully see. Today I’m fighting the logic and what I’m so confident that I know. Basically, I’m just trying to shut up and get on board.