Motherhood…After All These Years
I remember sitting across from my ex mother-in-law listening to her tell me that I had manipulated her son into getting me pregnant and that, although this completely trashed my life, all she was angry about was that I had ruined his life and his chances of any success. On that day, at the age of 19, feeling like a complete and utter failure, I made a commitment. I would be a great mom.
I’m not proud of every parenting decision I have made since then, like the time I made my youngest wait more than 24 hours to get a broken arm x-rayed because I thought she was just whining. Or the time I told her that if she became a cheerleader I would disown her. One time out of pure boredom I tried to train my oldest using Pavlov’s Classic Conditioning Methods with the buzzer from the Balderdash game and M&M’s. I’ve chased my kids around the house threatening them with a wooden spoon, I’ve on occasion given them benedryl to help with allergies (okay fine, I just needed them to sleep), and I’ve helped them with homework (yes, I gave them the answers while they wrote them down). In a nutshell, I have no worries about ever having to write a mother of the year speech.
Today, I find myself proud of most of the parenting choices I have made. (Excluding Pavlov’s experiment of course!) Today, I find myself a divorced, single mom who is unsure about so many things in her life. What I do know is the commitment that scared pregnant 19 year old made in the wake of verbal assault, is a commitment that I still strive for everyday. Although the daily choices require God’s continual grace, I’m working to be a great mom.
“Working To Be A Great Mom” doesn’t build a resume. It doesn’t come with employee of the month parking and often leads me to feel torn whether I’m at work or at home. Today, I’m grappling with the idea of leaving my current job that comes with phenomenal opportunities to use a number of my skills, to take a job that encompasses almost none of them, but every night I will be home for dinner. Today, I know that although I’m scared and struggle to not feel like a failure in my career in taking this step backwards, that the people that I love so much deserve the best of me, not just what’s left at the end of the day. Today, I’m going to just breathe and rest in the peace of knowing that God has a plan. He’s working on it. Today, I will enjoy the time with my girls and the people I love so much, and just for fun…I’m going to see if when I hit that buzzer, Rebecca still looks for M&M’s.