Loss Of Companionship
I’v spent some time on a personal quest of self exploration. Which in normal people talk means, I know what I need in my life. Personally I need to keep my butt out of the refrigerator and on the treadmill. Spiritually, I need to make time to talk to God everyday about everything, and to make a conscious effort to read the bible. My mind needs me to read and to study and to gather information. And my heart needs companionship. Someone to share the moment with, to laugh over someone’s inappropriate dress, to sit quietly and watch tv, to watch football and off color comedy, to debate the sermon after church, to hold me when I’m sad, to shake me when I’m crazy, to go grocery shopping with and a million other little things.
I should worn you, in all fairness and a moment of “full disclosure”, that this blog may not read like some of my others. It may not read with quippy stories of my childhood or metaphors of deep and lasting love. So take a minute and grab a box of tissues, a bottle of wine, perhaps even your favorite tequila, or maybe a pint of Ben and Jerry’s ( everybody needs their own way to cope) and get ready to read up.
Today is about the absence of companionship. What do you do when the one thing that is the base of your given purpose is taken away from you? What happens when your companion walks away?
There’s a void. An inexplainable void. You see the world existing around you and although you continue to progress in it, there is a sort of quiet desperation that remains at the surface of life. You either retreat to your own thoughts and space or you fill your time with activities that at the end of the day provide a feeling of emptiness and hollow victory.
I pray. Beg God for answers, for direction from Him to fill this massive exploded whole in my heart, my mind and my life, and then I sit in it. I’ve given it over to God and yet here I am. I sit in the physical and emotional pain…sit in the deafening loneliness. Just sit. Because today there is nothing left to do.
I know that companionship is a gift. I know that because when we toss gifts from God aside…it’s hurts. So today, I hurt. I ache, but I breathe. Today I will take this holiday to remember that God isn’t done working in my life and that the emptiness is a season.
I have big expectations of God today. Not because I deserve anything but because He is my Father and he loves me, and He doesn’t want me hurting. Today I pray for healing, for peace, and for sleep.
Above everything else I pray that although you may want to strangle your love while he sleeps, although he may chew to loud, she may be insecure and need reassurance, she may be clingy, that you embrace that person and thank God for their presence in your life, because the absence is a huge black hole.
For today, I’m just bent. Not broken.
But tomorrow….God is good.