But Mom…It Wasn’t Me
When my mom discovered that there was writing on the belt she asked me if I had done it, and with a stone cold face…I lied. I figured if I lied I could avoid the wrath on ruining a logo branded elastic belt. I told my mom that the writing must have been there when we bought it. (Because of course all elastic belts come with 5 year old crayola marker writing!!!) Evidently my full proof plan didn’t work. I was caught. Somehow my mom used her unbelievable dectective skills and discovered that I had lied. What I’m beginning to understand is that not all lies are so clear.
I’m starting to wonder what constitutes a lie? Do you lie when you’re having a horrible day and someone asks you how you are and you say fine? Are you lying when you smile when you’re feeling down? Do you lie when you hate your child’s hair and don’t say anything to her? Do you lie when you wake up in the morning and tell yourself it’s all going to be okay? When are you lying?
Lying can be a destructive relationship ender. Lying can plant seeds of unreliable distrust that can be virtually impossible to penetrate. Lying is destructive. Although all lying is bad, the lies that tend to be catostrphic are the lies we tell ourselves. What happens when you can’t trust yourself? The lies…I’m really okay. If I just try hard enough my kids will listen. If I follow the rules I won’t get in trouble. If I change I can make him love me. If I work hard I will make more money. I’ll never drink again. It’s just this one time, it won’t matter. Lies.
As I work hard to become more transparent in my relationships, I am committed to be transparent and honest with myself. No more lies. I don’t have it all together. I don’t know what me future is going to look like. I’m afraid of the unknown. I don’t want to die alone. I’m a mess.
We all have our own version of personal truth. I’m just no longer going to lie about it. No more hiding behind a facade of “put together”. So today I’m working on being honest with myself about my feelings and circumstances. I will embrace who I am and how I feel. I will be honest. And mom, I admit it…I wrote on the belt.