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  • Michelle Wells

Anxiety Terrorism


When my youngest daughter was in Kindergarten, she began to do what she could to prepare for the life ahead of her.  While she was still to young to start a retirement plan (much to her dismay), she began to prepare for her future.  Looking around at her life she would put the pieces together always asking the question, “What if…?”  At times the questions were adorable, “What if we built a slide from my bedroom window down to the family room window so I wouldn’t have to go down the stairs in my old age?”  Ummm…no.  “What if we trained the dog to bring me medicine and Gatorade in case I get sick?”  Nice thinking, but…no.  And then the questions were darker, there was, “What if you and Dad die?  Where will I go?”  This simple question sparked a chain of events that included moments of her force feeding me vitamins and encouraging me to exercise.  And then we began “The List”.

I wanted her to know that she would be loved and cared for and, so I said, “If something horrible happens, Grandma and Grandpa will take care of you.”  My sweet baby girl replied with, “And what if they die?” And no matter what the next answer was, it was met with the question, “And what if they die?”  That day she wrote a list of people that would take care of her.  It was a list 30 people long that possibly included her kindergarten teacher (parenting is exhausting) and she kept The List posted on her wall…in her room.

Every day I saw the list posted on her wall like a proclamation, with comments and edits, and I would say “You don’t need to worry about this stuff.”  My words only added fuel to the fire of her anxiety.

It is always amazing how a sort of “nothing” can become an “everything”. It’s amazing how our joy can be robbed by our fear of the unknown.  Today, I am no different from my daughter when she was 5.  I find myself gridlocked in unimaginable questions.  “What if something happens to one of our kids?”  “What if I’m unable to pay my bills?” “What if our parents are horribly sick…or die?”  “What if my husband gets sick of my crap and walks out?”  What if??


Perhaps the enemy doesn’t need to take our car, or our house, or our kids, or our parents, or our spouse…maybe he just needs to make me ask “What if…”

Spiritual warfare may be more aptly stated…spiritual Terrorism.  Nothing has happened, and yet I sit here afraid.  God has been so gracious in comforting me, in providing for me and in showing up everyday.  So today, as I battle the “What if” questions, I pray that God meet me. Meet me in my brokenness, my sinfulness, and my jadedness.  Today I pray that the spiritual terrorism not have power over the blessings I know.

Today my “What If” list is about, God has repeatedly asked you to not worry.  (Proverbs 12:25, Psalms 56:3, Philippians 4:6) God is here.  He is all over the retirement plan.  He’s all over the plan for this moments today.  I’m broken…I’m scared, but….God’s got this.  Just breathe.

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